The Full-Stop Mentality
"Good girls do what they’re told. Bad bitches do what they want" - Cardi B
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As kids we’re praised for being a ‘good girl’ or ‘good boy’. We’re trained from a young age to so seek out this external validation because from a biology standpoint for thousands of years that’s what’s keeping us safe. Keeping us a part of the tribe. Even so far as keeping us alive.
Nowadays, as we move through our schooling years, we’re praised for getting things right, getting the high grades, exceeding at sports or whatever the socially acceptable activity is in your community.
Then we step into adulthood. Post secondary and for some university education, we step out into the ‘real’ world still craving that ‘good girl’, ‘good boy’ praise because all our life that is what we’ve been trained to thrive off. At this point we don’t even realise the grip it has on our lives and how we’re seeking it out. Looking for validation in every area of our lives, at work, in our relationships and especially from family.
Who can recall a moment where they’ve broken down to themselves or to someone close to them, desperately asking ‘Why can’t my parents or siblings just say they’re proud of me?’. And in this vulnerable moment you can feel your heart cracking. It’s overwhelming and extremely painful.
I’ve felt this in the past and even recently and I just want to say that it’s a part of everyone’s growth journey, of stepping into your True self and that even though it hurts, you will be OK.
It’s the crumbling of the good girl, good boy persona; it’s the dismantling, piece by piece, of the armour we all wear and have worn as we journey towards relearning to listen to and validate our own selves.
It’s the beginning of your Warriors’ Journey. A journey back to your true self, your true essence.
A journey back home.
And here’s the thing when we start to come home to our True selves and start to BE a bit different or MAKE difference choices, it is going to ruffle some folks’ feathers in your world. Without a doubt. I would go so far as to say expect it. See it all as a game and embrace it. That discomfort is also a part of the journey.
So, if you’ve been living your life like the majority, how do we even start to make choices that are more aligned with our innate desires if they go against the perceived expectations of others? If you they go against what people in your world expect of you? How do we handle the moments when we’re still craving external validation and that coveted ‘I’m so proud of you’ from our parents?
How do we bravely make the choice that our heart and soul wants to make despite feeling this looming dread of what our parents, friends and those closest to us will say? What they will think, especially if it goes against the ‘good girl’, ‘good boy’ image they have of us?
How do you bravely stand in your own worth? Shoulders back, chin up, heart open?
A way to slowly build up this trust muscle in yourself is to play the Full-Stop Mentality. This practice, taught to me by my mentor Amanda Crafter, helps you to wean yourself off needing to get validation from others about your choices and actions. Also helps you to let go of having to JUSTIFY all your actions too.
It helps you regain self-assurance and personal agency.
So how does it work?
When you’ve come to a decision, I’m talking any decision big or small, simply declare it and then stop yourself from saying anything further. Instead, powerfully pause and keep YOUR MOUTH SHUT! You state your decision then FULL-STOP, end of story. Not open for discussion or opinions.
This practice is particularly powerful for women as we have been taught to always doubt ourselves and give our power away externally. As if we are still someone’s property, needing to gain ‘permission’ or that we need to justify all of our decisions rather than act from our own sovereignty. It’s sneaky how this shows up in your life so stay curious to areas where you might be asking for permission, constantly justifying your behaviour or soliciting opinions that you don’t need.
Here are a few sneakily and not so sneakily ways this shows up in my life:
Using social media as a thirst trap for external validation from others. Especially when achieving societal milestones like our wedding.
Overthinking a decision and worrying about what the other person is going to think of me. Creating so much anxiety in my system completely unnecessarily.
Over explaining and justifying a decision, especially a higher ticket purchase to my husband or family.
Putting myself down in conversation with friends and family in order to draw out sympathy or praise from others
Can you start to see where this is showing up in your life? Where are you pining after a gold-star? The good girl/boy pat on the back?
When you first start to dabble and play with this practice, it will be uncomfortable and difficult. You’ll find your words will try to run away out of your mouth like a word vomit. But hold strong and start off with small declarations, and start off using this practice on yourself.
For example, you know you want to go for a walk, but you’re questioning yourself about where you should go, creating drama for no reason. Instead, you simply start walking and as soon as you have an inclining which direction to go, you take it. Full stop. Trusting your intuition.
You can do this with food/drinks and any small decision in your day. Where can you start discerning a true Yes in your body, a true No and honouring that. Full-stop.
You get a text from a friend asking to meet up for coffee, you don’t have a ‘real’ excuse not to go other than you simply don’t want to. This is your moment to lean into the Full-Stop Mentality and reply back. No, I can’t make it today. Full Stop.
No apologising.
No needing to offer a reason or explanation.
No I can’t make it.
Full stop.
Know that it’s going to feel crunchy the first few time or even all the times you do this. But its reclaiming your sovereignty and this is worth the little bit of discomfort in my opinion.
Because when YOU stand in your sovereignty, you allow others to do the same as well.
So if its hard to do this for yourself in the beginning, think of the bigger impact of you standing in your Truth, think about the IMPACT you’re having, the ripples you’re creating in your world. This is a reclamation of sovereignty for your ancestors and for your future children.
Its bigger than you, but it has to start with you.
And the power is in the SMALLEST of moments.
When you lean into the magic of the full-stop mentality – make your declaration then full stop. Don’t need to justify or validate to others your decision. As long as you’re clear on it, you feel grounded in your intention. That is enough.
You are enough.
Even if you’re not feeling 100% certainty of a decision but deep down you have a little knowing, that it feels right to you. Lean into that.
Build up that trust muscle in yourself and keep going.
We’ve got this.
Own it and FULL STOP.
Big Love,
Emma
PS – if you’re needing a little clarity, jump into my Vision Masterclass. You can purchase the replay HERE.
